Week 38... Or wait. Is it week 36 1/2?

Well, these past few weeks have brought a lot of disappointment for me and two hospital visits. The first hospital visit came during my perinatologist appointment. The doctor came in after the ultrasound technician and immediately sent us down to Labor and Delivery. The baby's heart rate was too high. A baby's heart rate in the womb is normally between 110 and 160 bpm. My baby's was registering between 180 and 200 bpm. So after hours of horrible testing and monitoring, I was released with a paper saying that I was just dehydrated. I figured whatever as long as the heart rate was back to normal.

Soon after that, the pain started intensifying again and I was just starting to feel overall miserable. I mean, I have been for awhile, but this just seemed to affect all of me. I had one doctors appointment, saying that I probably couldn't get induced until a week before my due date and then another with a maybe for two weeks again. Then, yesterday, I had another doctors appointment. My doctor had finally been able to talk with my perinatologist and they decided that we could not induce more than a week before what they call my due date. They stand at October 14th, instead of October 3rd, like I do. So now I am scheduled to be induced on October 7th, which is actually four days after what I believe to be my due date. This was also told to me after I was told that my blood pressure was high and the baby's heart rate was high again. So as my doctor starts to measure my blood pressure again, she looked at me and asked if I was okay. At this, I started bawling.

I cried because I just felt done. I cried because I was starting to hate my pregnancy and I felt guilty for that. I cried because I already felt that I had failed as a mother. My doctor just hugged me as I cried and then I was told the lovely news that I needed to go to the hospital again for monitoring. So Emmett and I headed over to the hospital again for a couple hours of monitoring. Again, my blood pressure and the baby's heart rate went down and tests came back normal, so we were released.

I came home and just felt severely depressed. I know three weeks isn't that far away, but when I was kind of set on just a week, three weeks became an eternity. I've been told to limit my activity even more, which I think is hilarious since I really do nothing now. I've taken up knitting, which is great, but only takes me so far. So far, I've knitted five blankets and am on my sixth one. I borrow e-books from the library. I watch a whole lot of Netflix. I watch as my husband goes out with his friends, while I sit at home in pain and can't do much. It's good for him because in about three weeks, that time will be given to the baby, but it's hard for me because I am so social, but am now stuck at home, alone, for most of the week.

Anyways, I'm trying to find the positives today and trying to stay upbeat. Every time I feel my baby squeezing around in his tight space, I love it. It makes him feel so much more real. I keep trying to think of small things I can do to prepare for the baby, but I'm running out of things. I just have to keep myself busy.

The good news is that I have been having contractions quite often, they just aren't regular or long enough. I am dilated 1+ and am 50% effaced. So the contractions are doing something! My hope now is that these will just take over, and the little mister will come early all on his own. Any prayers to help with this is much appreciated. I will keep trucking along and trying to find the positives.

DISCLAIMER: Please know how grateful I am for this pregnancy. I have many friends and family who have struggled with infertility and I have seen the heartbreak that they go through. I am so grateful for this opportunity that I have had to be pregnant, which is why I am trying to be positive. It's just turned out to be one of the hardest trials of my life, which if you know the trials I've gone through, you know this is saying something. But please again, I am not making light of my pregnancy. I pray for all of those that I love and struggle with pregnancy every moment I can.